Guys Suffer Too

One of the misconceptions about feminism that really pisses me off is the commonly heard "Feminists are man-haters and they want to prove that women are superior to men." Feminists who hold that view are increasingly rare, and are usually stuck in some eccentric 70s time-warp and need to get out more. Modern feminism is about empowering women and making sure that we get the education ,confidence and positivity we need to be able to make real choices in the modern world. It's not backward-looking, it's not anything scary (although it can, and does, kick ass), and it certainly does not exclude men.

Men are a central part of my personal feminist philosophy. When reading or writing about feminism, they're always in my thoughts. And I don't mean thinking about them as chauvinists or bigots, and I don't mean thinking about them in terms of my desires-- I'm far too gay for that! The reason I think about guys a lot is because I see the terrible effects tha the all-too-often failings of feminism itself, and the wider fucked-up-ness of our society's attitude to women, have had on our young men.

Guys are confused. And it's no wonder. My favourite pet-hate, that I go on and on about on this blog, is one that particularly screws up the guys as well as the girls. I speak, of course, of the Sexy/Pure Double-Standard. This is one that's particularly close to Jessica Valenti's heart and which she has written about at some length. Girls are expected to be sexy and attractive, expected to have beautiful bodies, expected to get guys. At the same time, girls are expected to be pure, virginal, chaste and innocent. My friend and I were having a conversation today, and she was telling me about how she had observed an attack on a female Facebook friend's status by a bunch of teenage boys, who were calling her "slag," "whore" and other equally charming terms of address. We observed that it's ridiculous how guys complain if they are unable to pull, but if a girl is "up for it," she is immediately no more than her willingness to fuck. For me, part of feminism is about promoting sex positive women, and sex positive young men, and a general understanding that sex is a significant part of our lives but it does not define our self worth.

Another thing that probably confuses the guys is another double-standard: girls are expected to be submissive and meek, yet they are also expected to "have everything" and be powerful. Guys, who are pressurised into watching porn from a young age (and, to be fair, they gain satisfaction from it: but that's not the point!), have this image of women who exist to satisfy male sexual needs and who represent female submission. On the other hand, you only have to turn on the News to see powerful and influential women in international affairs and the media. Women in the public eye get a lot more criticism than their male counterparts, and quite frankly there is a hell of a lot of misogyny flying around. A lot of guys I've met seem to be intimidated by a woman with opinions. And is it any wonder? A man isn't sure what a woman is supposed to be anymore.

I don't know whether there's any truth in it, but I've always thought that guys probably find feminism and strong women so rattling because, given that women bear children and have traditionally not done "male" jobs, it could be perceived to render men inferior if women are equal to them in jobs, because guys cannot bear children. In a technological world where physical strength is becoming less and less important, women can do it all. But that does NOT make men inferior, does not make them useless, and does not mean that they are not totally wonderful, just like women. Humans are humans, and we're all worth something, and we all deserve to put aside our differences. Sort out misogyny and the double-standards surrounding women, and you get happier guys and happier girls. Win-win.

Sorry to ramble... I feel very strongly about this!

With Love, J xxx