Gayest Post In A While

"What's being gay like?"

I love the Flanders and Swann parody from The Armstrong and Miller Show. This particular sketch closed the final episode of Series Two with lots of sparkle! I love these guys. I love how Armstrong rolls forward in the wheelchair while singing "who does what to whom." Genius.

I get asked lots of questions about homosexuality. It doesn't really bother me, but I think people think it's drastically different from being straight with different rules. Yes, it's different, but it's also the same. I think everyone has their own unique sexuality, and "gay" and "straight" are a little too black-and-white. Very few people are exclusively hetero or homosexual, and even if they are their sexuality will be much more complicated. Some people are madly horny, some people are asexual, some people only fancy people occasionally, some people fancy people but hate the idea of having sex, some people are sex-obsessed but hate the idea of emotional intimacy. Everyone is different.

I thought I'd share some of my own personal experiences here, not to sound like a narcissistic loser, but because personal experience is all I can really go on to explore the topic. It really interests me as a topic, and I love hearing about other people's experiences.

One of the questions I get asked a lot is, "What would you do if you fancied a guy?" This always strikes me as a little odd, almost as if the "right answer" is to seize the opportunity to be straight if it came my way. I was talking to one of my friends about this, and she pointed out that people ask the question because heterosexuality is the accepted norm so most straight people would suppress a gay desire if they got one, whereas it might not be the same the other way round. My answer to the question, however, is that I think I probably wouldn't go along with a straight crush unless it was so strong that I would never forgive myself. So if I fell madly in love with a guy, I'd willingly fall into his arms (such a bizarre thought!). However, as this is unlikely to happen, this is all hypothetical. If I got a slight crush on a guy, I'd probably ignore it because my whole identity, my world-view and my aspirations are all based around the idea that I want to spend my life with another woman: it's like my purpose. I would worry that my overwhelmingly gay sexuality would never forgive me if I denied myself that purpose. Would I spend my whole life feeling incomplete, like I’d sacrificed my whole sexuality?

Maybe this is wrong, maybe I should be open to sexual experiences outside of my cutesy little lesbian world. It makes for interesting debate!

Also, people ask me what it's like having to come out (because "certain folks' intolerance puts a spanner in the works!"). Answer: easy to some people, hard to others. I'm totally open with my peer group. Our generation is so much more accepting. However, I've not told my friends who live in other countries because I have no idea how they view homosexuality. Telling your parents is the hardest thing in the world, and fortunately I was spared that horrible inevitability thanks to a good deal of alcohol and a friend who can't keep his mouth shut! I don't really talk about it with my parents, although occasionally they will make a lame joke about it. I'm ironically a bit like a 1950s housewife, bustling around the kitchen in my polka-dot clothes making tea and cakes, and Dad always makes sarcastic comments about what a good wife I'll be.

My extended family don't know yet, but I don't see why they should because you don't generally discuss your straight sexuality with your grandparents (weird!), so why should I discuss my homosexual one? Coming out is an annoying process, and it has to be done, and sometimes people will make nasty comments or hate you for it when they don't even know you. But it does get easier every time you do it. The first time I ever told anyone was excruciatingly difficult, and I don't think twice about it now. It makes you stronger.

And as to what being gay's actually like: you fancy people, you fall in love, you get hurt, you have fun, you stare at hot people in the street, you set attractive people as your computer backdrop, you have celebrity crushes, you dream about getting married... It's just like being straight.

xxx

p.s. Speaking of celebrity crushes... yumyumyumyumyumyumyumyumyum

The Continued Saga of Bits and Bobs

Greetings, all!

I haven't updated for a while because I've been having fun in Shropshire, and I came back so exhausted and down-in-the-dumps that I could barely string a sentence together, let alone write a coherent blog-post. I've woken and cheered up a little bit today, so here's another offering of bits and bobs.

1) My spin-off blog, J's Creative Mess, has been updated (finally). I barely update this blog, and I can't be bothered to add all the stuff I've made since the last post before today, but I will try and keep it better updated from now on.

2) I've been following the new BBC drama Sherlock, which places the famous detective in modern-day London with a Dr. Watson fresh from the War in Afghanistan. I was initially sceptical about the idea (as a hopeless romantic I quite like the whole gas-lamp and horse-drawn carriage thing) but was delighted to find myself enjoying every minute. Benedict Cumberbatch's performance as Holmes is true to Conan Doyle's original creation, and the scripts are energetic, full of suspense and also very funny. It's like Doctor Who for grown ups; the tall dashing hero and his fast-learning companion run around the city solving crimes with an air of enigma, and they're super-cool too. It's great. I've always loved Holmes, but in light of all the new excitement I've been reading the original Victorian version of A Study in Scarlet and enjoying it immensely.

3) Speaking of Victorians... While I was in Shropshire I visited my childhood favourite, Blists Hill Victorian Town. I've been there more times than I can count. It's an open-air museum that aims to provide an authentic experience of life in an ordinary town in the 19th century. I last visited in 2007 with my friend Rachel, and was keen to repeat the experience this time with Ellie. I was, however, disappointed to find that it has changed, and not for the better. The new visitor centre is rather pointless and extravagantly expensive, the new street is built in pastel shades that reminded me horribly of Disneyland, and they've even started building literal rides: a miniature train for kids and their unfortunate parents (how is a mini-railway authentic Victorian?!) and a model hay-inclined plane that, I believe, can be travelled on by visitors. The worst thing was the fish'n'chip shop that has sprung up on the new road, Canal Street. Fat British tourists can come and get their "authentic Victorian experience," and a good portion of chips. It annoys me considerably. Why do we always need everything to be a sugary, sanitised, "entertaining" experience? Tssk, there are times when modern life pisses me off.

Still, the old Blists is still there. The chemists, bank and doctors' surgery are still as they always were, and if you walk down to the bottom of the site the old squatter's cottage, toll house and the original hay-inclined plane can be found.

Despite the slight irritation I had a good day and purchased this card in the printers shop. (I can't work out to reverse the mirror image on Photo Booth, but you can probably work out what it says.)

I will try and write soon!

J xxx

The Internet

My internet connection has been down for five days, and it's been an absolute pain in the proverbial arse. Not only have I had almost no communication with the outside world (because the landline was down too and my rubbish £10 phone still works on a 10p-per-text credit system), but I have had no way of researching things, which I completely take for granted. No Wikipedia. No YouTube. No iPlayer. No matter how romantic my ideas are about "the good old days," and no matter how much I complain about technology, I am very dependent on the internet. I love it.

However, five days without the internet is, in the great scheme of things, not a great deal of time. After all, our parents' generation grew up without internet access, and millions of people across the world still don't have access to it. Interestingly, the BBC posted an article back in March in which it was claimed that the majority of people believe that internet access is a universal human right. This really interests me, because internet can surely be perceived as a luxury. I'm dependent on it, because I use it for the entertainment, communication and research that I enjoy. But if I didn't have the internet, and the right to use the internet, I'd still live. I'd still have a roof over my head, and I'd still think I had full human rights.

Yet, when people have the internet, they get informed. With the net, messages spread quickly, video footage gets spread, people become educated. While there are negative consequences of this--such as the spread of terrorism and extreme ideology--the internet is a great way of informing and connecting people all around the world, and makes it harder for governments to control the ideas of the people. Of course, China censors the internet to a shocking degree, but in general the internet opens minds. Does its impact make it a human right?

Interesting questions.

Aaah... it's great to have the net back though! It's lovely to sit down with a cup of tea and type away. :)

J xxx

Birdcages, Brain Cells and Summer

1) Argentina have legalised gay marriage! This is very good news for gay people in Argentina and across the world. However, it draws attention to the lack of gay marriage around the world and the massive inequalities that remain between gay and straight people. Please will everyone else hurry up and legalise what is, I believe, a human right?

2) For a while now, I've wanted a vintage birdcage to add to the general eccentricity of my bedroom. Finally, my wish has been granted! I'm so pleased with it. It's really big and just the right colour. I have no idea what I'm going to put in it, if anything. I shall hang it from my ceiling tomorrow! In the pic Lancelot is captive, but don't worry: it was a modelling job and he has now been released.

3) My childhood interest in the Titanic has had a bit of a resurgence. I know it's not massively historically relevant, but it's so interesting. There are so many myths and curses surrounding it, and there are lots of lessons that can be learned from it. I'm going to watch the film again with my family tonight. It's cliched and it's soppy but it's still the best film we have of the disaster, and Rose was my first ever crush back in 1999... so time to crack out the dark chocolate and the gin!

4) Mission for the next few days: grow some brain cells. I've spent the last two weeks drinking too much, and I feel like my head is mushed. It would help if I could stop drinking... I've already had two gins tonight and it's only a night in. But yes, I intend to get out the books and try and toughen up my brain again. I already smell failure (and booze). Wish me luck.

5) I can't believe I've finished school. The years at King's have been amazing and I am blessed with the most incredible friends and memories. Like Terra mentioned on her blog, I feel there is a huge gap in my life that I need to fill. I really want to have lots of fun this summer, but I'm really worried something is going to go wrong... Also, my straight friends seem to be having increasing success in pulling and I feel like I'm getting desperate. Still, I'm optimistic and I'm looking forward to going away to exotic old Shropshire with Ellie, Rome with Rach and of course Greenbelt with the pair of them.

6) I'll stop rambling now.

Love J

xxx

Oscillation

I have just returned from sunny Devon, having spent just under a week relaxing with my wonderful friends. There has been much hilarity and I wish I was still there.

The day before I set off for Devon, I wrote this poem in the dead time between breakfast and the school run, before my final paper. I think my brain was active, because of the impending exam, but completely unwilling to cram any factual information... so this was the result.

Oscillation

I am suspended in the dream called history,

Locked in the quantum cell between

Orphaned past and

Infinite future.

I am in the now,

The non-existent space around which the

Dimensions pivot

And I am trapped.

The hands of the clock are the sails of my boat

And I am lost at sea.

You and I are tip-toeing on reality together,

Exploring even as we lose the seconds

To the invisible reaper called Time.

We are never present but we are here,

Balancing all our illusions on our heads

Like water jugs, and clinging to the promise

Of tangible tomorrows.

J xxx

Bits and Bobs

Hello internet,

I don't have any ideas for a big post today, but I present to you some of the things I have been thinking about this week:

1) Victimisation of Old People

I find that I'm quite hardened to the news these days. However, one thing that is guaranteed to upset and anger me is the victimisation of old people, and I'm not sure why it gets to me more than other atrocities. Perhaps it's because old people are not innocent; they've lived and they've seen the whole breadth of human experience, they've gone through the hard slog of life, and now they are vulnerable and frail. There's something really horrendous about how someone can so easily destroy the dignity that an elderly person has spent their whole lives earning.

I remember watching footage on BBC News of an elderly cancer patient opening his door to a group of youths who then murdered him... it just breaks my heart, because old people have no choice but to trust other people and it's so sickening how people abuse that trust.

The most recent article in the news describes how a 94-year-old woman in Surrey was conned out of more than £176,000 by rogue traders.

Heartbreaking stuff.

2) Lesbian Health

It's not just old people who get a hard time in our society. Minority groups are engaged in a constant struggle against prejudice, and gay women are no exception. In our "tolerant" modern society, gay people are less likely to be ostracised or attacked for their sexuality, but there is still a worrying discrepancy in the physical and mental health of straight women and lesbians. I came across a report at Stonewall entitled Prescription for Change, published in 2008, which investigated statistics about lesbian health. Some of the more alarming statistics showed that:

• One in five lesbian women had deliberately harmed themselves in the last year, compared to 0.4% of the general population. That's really messed-up.
• One in five lesbians said they had an eating disorder, compared to one in twenty of the general population.
• Lesbians are five times more likely to have taken drugs.

There were also worrying findings about the way that gay women are treated by health professionals.

If our society gave out the right messages to young women, perhaps gay women (and queer people in general) wouldn't be any more unhealthy than straight people! Tsssk.

3) The Victoria and Albert Museum

Yesterday I had the pleasure of an afternoon at the V&A in South Kensington. Visiting the London museums is an accessible way to get cultured, because entry to the museums is free. Because I'm a reasonably arty sort of person, the V&A is my favourite London museum.

It is the world's largest museum of decorative arts and design, holding over 4.5 million objects from a 5000 year period. It's not merely an art gallery: it's bursting with photography, architecture, fashion, jewellery, sculpture, furniture and weaponry.

The building itself is marvellous, with a beautiful interior and exterior. Yesterday I enjoyed sitting in the John Madejski garden, which is enclosed by imposing and ornate walls and contains a large modern fountain; the perfect location for relaxing with an ice-cream .

The collections are definitely worth seeing. Being the retro-fashion-obsessive that I am, I made a beeline for the fashion collection, hoping to catch a glimpse of a 1950s dress or a Victorian corset. I was not disappointed, and I marvelled at some of the dresses, particularly the ones worn by pre-20th century women. The V&A is currently hosting an exhibition of Grace Kelly's dresses, and while I unfortunately could not get tickets to see this display, I did enjoy viewing this dress outside of the exhibit.

I took great pleasure, too, in the Theatre and Performance collection. There was enough dramatic memorabilia in there to keep me more than happy, from an original manuscript of The School for Scandal (my A-Level text!) to the first folio of Shakespeare's work. The highlight of the collection was Adam Ant's costume from Prince Charming, which delighted me because I am in love with his distinctive twist on the New Romantic style.

And of course, like any good tourist attraction, the museum has a great giftshop.

There are all sorts of curiosities in the V&A. I could write about it all day!

J xxx

Onwards

Having recently turned eighteen, I really wanted to write a poem about growing up and the difference between "then" and "now." Obviously a project like this is full of potential clichés -- it's a cliché in itself -- but I still wanted it to be heartfelt, and I hope it comes across that way even if the poetry itself is terrible.

A few notes on the composition of the poem:

• All of the quotes are from Patrick Wolf's album The Bachelor, which, like much of Patrick's music, contains the running themes of maturing, ageing and life as a journey and a battle.
• Section "Cc" is taken from a much longer poem I wrote, called Shadow Girl, which is basically about pathetic teenage angst and sexual frustration! I copied the bits which I thought made sense without the rest of the poem because I think I couldn't write a poem about growing up without this aspect of youth; and I couldn't be bothered to write an original new section.

Please try not to judge the poetry, it's more the ideas that I'm trying to express.

Cringe! J xxx

Onwards

“When all else fails

Remember

Always

The Open Road.”

Aa

“What keeps you? Explore!”

Funny, how my exploration was restricted

To the playground and yet I was

Never constrained.

In my lack of freedom I was free.

My body was decorated, almost tattooed

With grazes and bruises and splitting skin.

The girl with blonde hair

Bore the purpling bites of my milk teeth.

Supposedly I was, and am, a blank

Canvas with infinite possibilities

Yet conscience killed innocence

And paint can only hide the stains.

Strange, how there were more wounds

In those days but more soreness now.

There’s greater depth today yet

Less immersion in the abyss of the soul.

Bb

“You are not the maker nor the master of me.”

I roll the dice and move forward,

Clutching at my pride as I leap.

Occasionally I stumble across a ladder

And I ascend.

Even in nightmares I never expected

The snakes to come.

I try not to slide but I have no grip,

And I shield my eyes through the fall.

Still I walk tall through the maze,

Negotiating the twists and turns

As the dice goes on rolling

And the world keeps on turning.

Cc

“I don’t fear what tomorrow may take

Stay blind to my future and fate.”

Growing pains,

Shrinking pleasures?

From beneath the layers of my eclectic thoughts

You watch me take steps on my egg-shells,

Already fragmented dreams cracking anew.

I’m stumbling without you yet you’re ever-present,

Regarding my clumsiness with your dream-eyes.

I’m trying to conjure emotion from your non-existence.

“Come to me more, even come to me at all…”

My words echo in their own cold emptiness and

Deep within my sleep they come back and haunt me.

Pandora-like, I cling to the trace of hope flittering inside

And watch the faint flap of its wings as it circles around

My head and all the conflicting nonsense within my skull.

Dd

“Battle the patriarch, battle for equal rights, battle back your liberty, battle back the long night, battle the conservative, battle for your, battle the homophobe, but battle without war.”

The sparrow sings when it realises

That every bird is caged,

Every wing is clipped,

Every soul is lost.

We cannot know.

Adulthood is acknowledging the enigma.

We fight, we fight because without a fight

We are nothing.

And when we have fought we will anchor

Ourselves and

Sleep.