Why The Shame in Losing Weight?

I’m a slim girl. I always have been. Unfortunately, I’m also very conscious of every bit of excess fat on my body, and I am currently aiming to lose a bit of weight. Not too much, mind. Just enough to give me a bit more confidence and get rid of those flabby bits that every girl would rather the mirror didn’t show.

When I tell people that I’m trying to lose weight, I get a pretty discouraging reaction. “What?! You’re slim enough!” “You’re NOT fat.” “Haha, how ridiculous!” I like to explain that no, I am not fat. Yes, I am slim. But yes, I currently eat quite a lot of crap and don’t do enough exercise, so my optimum healthy body would look slimmer. It just would. It’s a fact.

I wonder why this is the case? Is it because obesity is on the rise, and I should be grateful for my slim figure? Or is because eating disorders are on the rise, and I should be careful not to slip into a dangerous cycle of starvation?

I think both matter. Weight, frankly, is a touchy issue. People get upset at the very mention of the idea. Moreover, I think the constant pressure to stay a certain size fuels anxiety in women. My friends, no doubt concerned about their own appearances, find it uncomfortable when I say I’m losing weight, because it draws attention to the fact that they’re not.

For an overweight woman, the pressure to lose weight is everywhere. “I lost five stone!” glowing women on the front of gossip magazines proclaim. Diets are everywhere, and you can’t turn on the TV without seeing a weight-loss advertisement of some kind, whether for weight-loss pills or even meals that will be delivered to your door. Hollywood and the fashion industry are a prominent reminder that your fatness is somehow your biggest flaw.

For a thin woman, seeing the same images as your overweight sisters is only going to fuel the pressure to maintain the thinness with age. The message is to cling to your most valuable asset: your tiny frame.

Size, however, should only be relevant in terms of health. If we’re too thin or too fat, we lack energy for all the things we do in our busy modern lives. Just because your friend is thinner than you does not mean she’s healthier. We all know girls who can eat like horses and stay thin, but why should we applaud that as a virtue? What’s wrong with having a bit of curve? I eat, and it stops me from being skin-and-bone. My body is well-nourished. So what if it’s not a size 6 (US 2)?

So why I am I trying to lose weight? I want to be at my optimum health levels, and I want to feel confident about myself. But is it the most important thing in the world? No. I will freely admit that I have more hang-ups about my body than I would like, especially as a feminist. But I know that it’s what’s on the inside that counts, no matter how cringey that sounds.

So next time a slim friend tells you she’s losing weight, don’t criticise her.

This was posted on tumblr ages ago. I thought I'd share it here.

Updates

I looked back on this blog this evening, and realised that it was no longer reflective of the person I have become, or, more accurately, the person I have un-become. I've changed the background, the title, and the description, in the hope of coming closer to the woman that I am. My 'about me' consists of nothing but the labels of which I am sure. Everything else is suspended.

I haven't deleted any of my former posts, even if they embarrass me. They were heartfelt at the time and I still believe in a lot of the things I said.

I'm going to post a few things I've written fairly recently on here, just to try and get the ball rolling again and get back to a position where opinions can flow freely.

As to how I'm doing at the moment: not great. My chronic depression doesn't seem to be leaving me, and concentrating on university work is such a struggle. I've been struggling on and off with self-injury, I can't wake up -- literally cannot -- until I've overslept, and I'm so exhausted that I don't know how I manage to wake up at all. Oh, and I'm still mighty confused about my sexuality. My partner and I don't have sex, because I don't want to. I don't know if this is because I'm completely gay, or because I have no libido because of my depression. I just don't know.

I'm trying to stay positive so I can get to the end of term and give myself the permission to completely relax. I have some exciting things lined up for the holidays, and I'm determined to be able to enjoy them and not have to pull out.

Thank you for reading

J xxx

I stir...

It's been a long time!

I put things on hold because I'd lost myself. Shortly after I stopped blogging, everything went even more wrong than I thought possible. Over Christmas I realised that I'd spent the first term of university doing something that I have never previously done in my life, because I disagree with it on principle -- being someone I was not. When I came back to university, I crashed. After a term and a half of self-harm, depressed paralysis, doctors' appointments, medication, mania, compulsive hair-cutting, a police search, chain-smoking, suicidal thoughts, weeping and insomnia, I was sent home by my university college to rest and urgently seek professional help. My first-year exams were postponed until August.

I haven't seen a psychiatrist, only GPs and a psychotherapist, so I'm so entirely sure of the exact name of my condition, but for the time being I'm working on the diagnosis of Generalised Anxiety Disorder leading to clinical depression. Life has suddenly got so much harder for me, and although I am so much better than I was three months ago (I'm able to laugh again, able to get out of bed), a simple thing like meeting up with friends is often a cause of distress, and I am still wracked with constant physical pain as my muscles are in constant spasm from anxiety. I'm at least not reclusive. I've even been able to go clubbing again, if with caution. I have hope, something I didn't have when I was sitting in the bath dragging a razor across my shin.

I have not been entirely dead to the world, and I have been very good at keeping up with my tumblr. I have also gone vegan since I last posted on here, which is definitely the best decision I ever made. I have never enjoyed food more and I really feel like it's sparked a hell of a lot of passion in me. Most surprisingly, I acquired a boyfriend, something I never thought would happen. He has stayed with me while I've been too down to get up, wiped my tears, brought me cups of tea and taken me out for day trips. He has taken enormous emotional strain and has even ended up ill himself, also seeking help from the university. He's done it all because he loves me, and I cannot imagine a stronger or braver person than that. I, for one, am indebted to him and will always love him and his kindness. I struggle a lot with heterosexuality, because I still feel that I'm a lesbian or at least woman-leaning, and I still often find myself in terror of never being sexually fulfilled, but my heart is close to him as my best friend and the only person I can be with 24/7 without wanting to scream. Sometimes I panic, fantasising about women. Then I wonder whether it's me that's wrong, spoilt, fucked. I look at his gentle face and he's smiling at me, and his arms are so warm, and he makes me feel so safe. I wish I had someone to talk to, to express my concerns. I love him so much, and the thought of hurting him makes me feel sick.

A lot has changed. But I'm still me. I'm a passionate feminist and I care enormously about justice, and I want to change the world, one vegan meal at a time. I'm so grateful to those who have stuck by me, and although I'm hurt by the ones who haven't cared, I've learned to feel sorry for them.

End of personal story.

Actually...

Hmm, I'm thinking this through and I'm really not happy with this blog and what it has become.

I have become less intelligent, I think, or certainly less clear about my views, and less up-to-date with current affairs. I'm less self-absorbed these days too.

I'm not sure what it is, maybe it's just letting go of all the heavy stuff in life and letting myself free-fall. Simple things in the calendar have passed me by, and I'm living in a little bubble where nothing matters except my immediate environment. I'm worrying less, but I do feel like I've lost brain cells.

Such a person hardly wishes to write blogs on political and social issues, particularly when she is probably failing her Politics degree and feels like a total disgrace for doing NOTHING.

Maybe because I am becoming more superficial, or merely because I have put the 'deeper me' on hold, the future of the blog is thrown into question.

I've not had time or the atmosphere to write poetry (just as well, because I was never any good), and I've not made anything for ages because I haven't brought my sewing machine or materials to university with me. So what is this FOR?

J is still in here somewhere, but she feels separate from this blog.

I HAVE decided to try and keep up with the tumblr idea.

So perhaps this is goodnight, perhaps it isn't.

J xxx

Epic Fail

Desperate not to stop blogging, I tried tumblr and failed.

Basically, nothing is going to be happening till at least Christmas.

Sorry, punks!

Much love,

J xxx

More University

Unfortunately my life at university is so hectic that there is rarely time to update this blog with the expected lengthy articles. There simply isn't time.

I am putting Stardust, Tea and Confusion on hiatus until further notice, most probably the Christmas holidays or if an issue crops up that I must write about.

However, because I am still eager (or arrogant) enough to want to contribute to the blogging world, I have set up a much less complicated blog at Tumblr giving a tiny glimpse into student life. It takes a few seconds to update it, so it barely impacts on my schedule, but there will be no depth.

It can be found at http://wiltedporcelain.tumblr.com/

I am missing writing very much, so this is not the end!

Much Love,

J xxx

University

Sorry for the lack of updates. I have been settling into Durham and generally trying to make sense of my new life, so the blog hasn't been on the top of my priority-list.

However, I am pleased to report that I am very pleased with my choice of university, and that I have fallen in love with the city.

I will try and get back into the habit of posting regularly soon, but I cannot promise when or in what form!

Much love

J xxx